The start of a new year is a time when change is on so many people’s minds, as people make commitments to themselves and sometimes to other people to alter behaviours that have not served them in previous years.
The concept of the New Year’s resolution, or a year-long goal to make a difference in your life, is controversial, and a lot of therapy room discussions either between professionals or as part of sessions with people have centred around the extent they actually provide a positive effect.
For some people, it can be immensely motivating and provide an impetus to make a huge positive change in their lives, but for others, it is something of a millstone and provides too much pressure to force a change without providing the foundation to make it stick.
This can be even more frustrating for people who have a person close to them who has behaviours that need to change to improve either their own lives or the lives of those around them but do not have the motivation to change.
As the song Hold On by Wilson Phillips asserts, nobody can change someone else’s life, and that someone ultimately needs to be receptive to change in order to make it happen.
But why is this the case? What makes some people so resistant to change, and to what extent can people change their minds, their perspectives, their mindset or their behaviour?
The answer is more complex than one might expect.
Can People Change?
A somewhat outdated psychological theory of personality was that people ultimately cannot change who they are and that many aspects of ourselves, once established at least, remain that way.
This is, at least according to more recent research, not the case, people change the most in their early adulthood up until the start of their middle ages, and other aspects of personality can be changed through indirect work to change the root causes of behaviour.
In particular, people’s habits, their mindsets and their actual direct responses can be changed, although the emotions, and core personality traits that lead to these behaviours cannot necessarily change significantly.
Similarly, if behaviours are caused by a mental health or personality disorder, the condition itself typically cannot be changed, but how its symptoms manifest can be through seeking out professional health and treatments appropriate to the condition.
This is important, as the change people want to see is not often a simple matter of not doing a specific compulsive behaviour. An alcoholic, by definition, cannot simply stop drinking. If they could, then they would not be addicted to alcohol after all.
Why Doesn’t External pressure Work?
The reflex for many people who see that someone else’s behaviour needs to change is to tell someone straight away. This is often the motivation for interventions, but despite how they are often depicted in media, an intervention meeting may not be effective without a professional.
The reason for this is that telling someone they need to change, and even giving reasons for why they must alter their behaviour, such as the damage they are causing to themselves or other people, is not always effective or compelling to someone who needs to change themselves.
Part of the reason is that ignorance of the consequences is seldom the reason why people engage in destructive behaviours. People addicted to smoking are more than aware of the dangers and yet will continue to do so.
Another part is that people do not necessarily like taking any form of advice from someone else, and often respond with reactance, or respond by either adopting or solidifying an opposite approach.
Most people have had a reactant response at some point in their lives; if you were ever told to turn the volume down but responded by making it even louder, that was an act of defiance inspired by reactance.
This is the reason why so many people switch immediately to denial when faced with someone telling them to change.
The final aspect is that the causes of behaviour are often far more complex, and so to stop it from happening requires an understanding of the reasons why said behaviour emerged in the first place.
In the case of an addict, whilst a lot of addictive substances can lead to compulsive behaviour, this often emerges in combination with psychological causes that keep people addicted.
Someone addicted to alcohol, for example, may drink not just because they are chemically addicted to the substance but also because they use it as a coping mechanism or to manage insecurities.
Unpacking these root causes is often key to changing behaviours and this can sometimes take professional intervention and a change in the circumstances that can cause behaviours to continue.
Six Aspects For Change
Whilst change emerges for many different reasons, in different situations and with varying degrees of urgency, there are typically six different aspects that make it more likely for someone to achieve the change they need.
The first is motivation, but this has to come from an internal source rather than an external one. People are more likely to change if they feel a personal motivation to do so.
The psychological technique of motivational interviews can help turn external motivations into internal ones, by asking the person at the centre what change looks like to them without judgement.
As well as this, people need to be supported, to feel that their successes are celebrated and be carried through their struggles. Changing yourself is not easy and is not linear, and having people who believe in you can be exceptionally affirming.
Determination is also an important part of change, as whilst motivation is the catalyst to start changing, determination is what will see someone to a long-term result.
This can sometimes mean setting realistic goals and milestones that can be reasonably ascertained and show success.
Someone may not be able to stop smoking cold turkey, but one less cigarette per day is an improvement, and small wins can be built upon.
This overlaps somewhat with self-awareness, as whilst it can be difficult to realistically ascertain what you need to do to succeed, it is also vital in order to make changes that will stick.
Finally, self-compassion allows yourself the space to see change as a process that is not always linear. Some days will see people’s learned behaviours slip, and it is important to accept and forgive that.
